All of a sudden my life seems so short. What was my purpose? Why do I feel so guilty? The Glory before me is scary, not inviting. I know, I just know I don't belong here. My mind scans through my life with a crystal clear pin point picture of every thought deed and act of my heart. Not the things I've done, but the things I thought and felt deep in my heart. I see time and time again when I rejected truth and accepted a lie. Knowingly settling for my own desire, the easy way out. In church I had them all fooled, even myself. In the presence of over whelming glory, I can not justify my deeds. I know I missed it. But I thought I was a Christian. I went to church twice a week. I helped out in church functions. I prayed the sinners prayer. Why is there no peace? All of a sudden there was a feeling of warmth and love that I never felt before. And I heard the voice of God say to me.
"You could have felt my love many times, but you chose your way not Mine. You prayed a prayer with your lips, but your heart never opened to My love. You helped out in church to be seen and make friends, that, you received. I tugged on your heart and you pulled away. You never gave Me your heart, your burdens and or trusted Me to take your burden, but kept your burden and blamed Me for not taking it. You knew I could not take what you would not freely give. You heard the teaching of my truth and refused to accept that you were living a lie. My love was there for you at many times, but you did not respond because of your pride."
As the Lord spoke these words to me I could see vividly, clearer then the clearest day, moments of time during my life when I rejected God's truth. I did a lot of things with my body, and things for other people, but nothing with my spirit. I served my flesh and pleased myself and even others. But I never gave my heart fully to God. I trusted in my religion and not in a relationship with God. The feeling of God's overwhelming love and peace is so awesome, yet it hurts because I know I can't stay. This is not a place for a selfish heart. I can feel God's love and His heart break for me. God does not condemn me as his loving presence leaves, but my own heart condemns me. Every thought, every deed, my whole life was just that, MY LIFE! Not His death. All to clearly the scriptures I have heard preached come to mind. "I died that you might have life", If you confess me before man, I will confess you before my father in heaven". There is no court, no judge. It was the will of God to take my heart and make my life the best I could ever have. God created me for a special purpose, but I did not take the time to find out what God's plan for me was. I felt a tug from God, But I turned to my own way. I rejected God, I rejected the best for my life, I rejected heaven, I am my own judge, I condemned myself to death.
The second death. I heard about this in church. Hell, fire, worms. I suddenly feel so alone and there is no Glory, just the blackest black ever. The presence of God has gone from me. God is light, but in this place there is no light. I was my god in life and now I am my god here. There is no fire but it burns so bad to know I rejected such love. I now understand the consuming worm that does not die. Did you ever make a mistake that you wish you could undo. It burns you up to think about it. Did you ever not tell someone you loved them, and then they died. You know it is too late, you lost your chance forever, and you just wish you could go back and fix it, but you can't. So you make your self busy with your life and try to forget it. Well I can't do that in this place. There is no busy, just my soul crying out as I replay my Godless life over and over. The song said, "you can't take it with you when you go." It is true. I have nothing but a Godless soul and an eternity of burning pain. He who dies with the most toys and no God, wins nothing, but looses his soul in this place. God loved me so much that He came to the earth from that beautiful glorious place called heaven. Emptied Himself of his God power and took the form of a man. He walked this earth according to the law of Moses, was tempted in all ways as we are, and yet did not sin. He was sacrificed. Crucified. The lamb of God, slain from the foundation of the world to free man from that which binds him. Then he came to this terrible place and defeated death, condemning sin in the flesh. Yet I never accepted it personally. I am here because I did it my way, not God's way. He paid the price for my sin with his own blood and I rejected it. That hurts, I blew it. Salvation, going to heaven, has nothing to do with being a good person. In the eyes of man, myself and my family, I was a good person. But the eyes of God only look at the heart. And in the heart there is only sin or the atonement for that sin. The lamb of God.
In the gospel John wrote: In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it. He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God -- children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God. The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.
I saw the truth in church and in friends and co-workers. Those I knew had a relationship with God, A real relationship not the religious antics I was practicing. But, I chose not to receive Him. I chose to not make Jesus part of my life, why should he be part of my death. I chose to not give Jesus my heart in life, why should he take it in death. He died for me, so I could live for him in life, and with him in death. I chose to live for me in life, and I am not with him in death. All the great things I could have done with my life if I gave Jesus my heart. It's Jesus, you know, No other. No other died and came to this horrible place and then rose from the dead. No, all the others are still in the tomb. Not Jesus. He came to this place and conquered.
It was Jesus who said: "I am the Living One; I was dead, and behold I am alive for ever and ever! And I hold the keys of death and Hell."
Jesus Holds the keys of death, why did I not give him the keys of my life? Well I have eternity to ask my self that question, over and over, forever. That worm will never die. I remember everything from my life. I am a spirit alive, yet dead to God. I am a soul, aching and crying. I feel the pain of death, yet I have no body. Ha. Body. That thing God created from dust and told us in his word that it will return to dust. I spent so much of my life pleasing my body, catering to dust. And I remember Jesus warned us in the bible, "Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell." My life was so short, and death is so complete. I remember getting in trouble as a kid and being sent to the principle's office. I remember thinking to myself. This is it. You're here, you're caught, you're in trouble. And now, here I am in darkness, separated from the love of God because I chose to not take the time to get to know the One who loved me and died for me. This place is the coldest cold and hottest hot. The darkest dark. No warmth from the sun, no love from the Son. A burning pain in my soul because I made the worst choice a person could make. And I am forever committed to it. I understand why Jesus cried out, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" Only he was innocent, and took my sin on himself, for me, so I would not have to be here. For the first time Jesus felt separation from his Father. He did that for you and me. You have the chance to make the right choice, I no longer do. "It is appointed for man to die once, after this, judgment."
You have the choice to receive the love and life of God right now, by just asking from your heart, for Jesus, the son of God, to forgive your sin, and take over in your life. Ask Him to come into your heart and be part of your life. And you will be with Him when your body of dust expires. Jesus said this: Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me. If you choose God's way, ten thousand years from now, you will have been in Glory, in heaven , for some nine thousand nine hundred years. In the presence of God's light and love a part of his body, the church. Adorned in righteousness, rejoicing for eternity. Eternity, there is a word with little meaning to the body of dust. My whole life was cut up into little time slots. Now I understand that time is a small part of eternity. The bible calls it a glimpse. And now here I am in this place. Time has passed, it was a glimpse. Time was created by God for man. Time came out of eternity and will be swallowed up by eternity. An eternity with God, or here in this place alone with your own selfish rejection of the one true God. There are no people here, but I hear souls crying. No devil with a pitch fork, and flames. Just my separated soul and spirit. Separated from the love of God and the people of God, FOREVER!
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